Every relationship has its struggles. But for many people, couples therapy is not usually at the top of the list of solutions to try. They might think their issues aren’t big enough to bring to therapy, or that they should be able to handle things themselves. Shouldn’t you really be struggling, or have exhausted all other options before calling in professional help? I know that for me, the very term “professional help” itself raises some hackles - implying that some area of life is too much for me to do on my own and I need a pro to come in and function for me. Sometimes the feeling that we should be able to handle it can stop us from reaching out until the point that we’re exhausted, worn out, and feeling out of options. But it doesn’t have to be that way.
For many, the search for a therapist doesn't begin until you've hit a wall in your relationship and aren't sure how to move forward. Maybe you're at a point where things have started to feel like they will never change, and you’re starting to lose hope. Maybe you’re embarrassed to bring someone else in on the struggle, or you’re worried you won’t feel understood. Or maybe you’re afraid that couples therapy is only for people on the brink of divorce, and that bringing in a therapist will push your relationship toward the point of no return.
Couples therapy is for couples at all stages of a relationship, from dating to engaged to newly married to couples who’ve been together longer than they were single. Each stage has its own unique challenges to be navigated, and whether it’s a high-conflict relationship, an emotionally detached relationship, or a mostly well-oiled relationship that just gets stuck at some familiar impasses from time to time, there is something to be gained by coming together in a space dedicated to fine-tuning your relationship into the best it can be, whether that’s doing major repair work or making some minor adjustments that will keep you going strong together for decades.
It can daunting trying to find someone that you think both you and your partner can relate to, who won't take sides and won't impose their own values. You might be hoping to find a therapist who is kind and understanding, but who will do more than just listen - someone who will give you some tools that you can actually use to improve your relationship.
It’s good to know what you’re getting into with therapy, since different therapists and methods can be so different, and what’s a good fit for one client or couple may not be a good fit for another. I’m a big advocate for booking a consultation call (usually free) with any prospective therapist you may wish to hire, so you can hear more about their approach and voice your own goals and questions about therapy. For therapy to go well, you really want to be able to trust the expertise of the person you’re working with, and have some context for understanding what type of work you’ll do together and how you’ll know whether it’s helping.
Here are some basics you can expect from me in couples therapy:
1. I will work to understand where BOTH of you are coming from.
The unique story and history that each of you have play an important role in our work together. I want to learn about where each of you is coming from in life, and am dedicated to giving fair and considered attention to the experiences that both of you have. I am here to help create and protect a therapeutic environment where each of you can be heard, and your voice will be valued. It doesn’t do you any good as a couple if I take sides with one of you at the expense of the other person, and my goal is to help the two of you become the best team that you can be.
2. I'll help you make sense of the bigger picture.
A lot of times we find ourselves arguing with our partner about the same things over and over, or getting stuck at the same impasse. As we talk through the details of your situation together, I'll be listening for the bigger patterns going on in the relationship that are making it hard to find resolution. Once we can figure out your pattern as a couple, it frees us to work together on changing it, as a team.
Part of my job is to help us sort through the content versus the process of the challenges you face as a couple. Content is the stuff itself - the kindling, if you will - that fuels the arguments and disconnects between you. It’s the daily stresses, the personal triggers, the things we say to each other that drive us deeper into distress. Content is important, but if that’s all we talk about in therapy, it can become a “he did this” and “she did that” discussion that goes around in circles, as each person airs their pain and frustration with the other. In order for us to move the relationship forward together, we need to move beyond content and into the process of how you speak to each other, how you can work to emotionally regulate yourselves, how to come to places of understanding and goodwill and emotional connectedness so that no matter what the “stuff of life” you’re dealing with is, you will be equipped to face it as teammates and not as adversaries.
3. I'll give you tools for better understanding yourself, managing your own emotions, and improving your connection and communication as a couple, no matter where you are in your relationship.
When each of you can recognize and own your own emotion and experience, it frees you to respond differently to your partner and to start building a different pattern together - a pattern based on connection, trust, and respect. Whether you've just started dating or have been together for years, we can make positive changes to the way you interact with each other and bring new understanding and hope to your circumstances. It’s no secret that relationships are hard. Even the best possible partner is going to be fundamentally different from you in ways that are maddening at times. Even in the best relationship, you may find yourself questioning how you ever ended up together and whether you made the right choice. But it doesn’t have to stay that way. The thing I love about working with couples is that it’s a process where we can help you build the best thing possible with the partner you have chosen for yourself, not wasting time resenting each other or fantasizing about a different reality, but actively making the real relationship you do have into one that sustains, supports, and energizes both of you. Humans are messy. But love is still worth it.
Stronger relationships = better quality of life. Think about what matters most to you. What do you spend the majority of your time, energy, money, and focus on? Is it on the key relationships in your life, or is it on recovery and escapism strategies that are necessary because your relationships aren’t functioning as they should? Often, we can direct so much of our focus to secondary things - expensive dates, getaways, self-care activities, the latest technology or convenience - hoping it will improve our quality of life, and we can neglect investing more of what is needed to get our primary relationships to a place that is healthy, stable, and truly rewarding. Whether you’re in active crisis or you’re in prevention and maintenance mode, couples therapy can be a place for you to really invest in the kind of quality of life that begins with your relationship and has the power to emanate outward to all areas of your life.
The average couple waits 6 years to seek help from the time they realize that they need it. If you're wondering whether therapy would be helpful for you at the stage your relationship is in, shoot me a message and we can set up a time to chat, and talk about what it could look like to get you on the road to a better future.