Thoughts on When (and Why) You Should Pay Someone for Help Rather Than Going to a Friend
Why Do People Go to Therapy?
People have all kinds of assumptions about what being in therapy is like, and who it is for. Is it for people in crisis, or is it a weekly self-care exercise? Is it a luxury, or a necessity? How do you know whether the things you want help with “count” enough to talk to a therapist?
My First Experience With Therapy
I remember when it first dawned on me that I could go to therapy for myself. I was a young college student at the time, just beginning to study psychology. To me, going to therapy seemed almost like a sacred privilege reserved for people who had something truly life-altering happening to them, and that you couldn’t go without a very compelling reason—perhaps a death in the family, or an existential crisis of some kind. I was toying with the idea of becoming a therapist someday, but figured I would need to try out this mysterious experience for myself at some point before I knew if it was worth doing. The only problem was, I was pretty convinced I didn’t have a good enough reason to go.
And so, like a true psychology nerd, I was genuinely thrilled the day I learned in class that my inconvenient, hereditary (and very socially alarming) tendency to faint at the sight or suggestion of blood was actually a specific type of phobia that is very treatable with therapy. Right after class, I called my school’s counseling center and set up an appointment with someone ready to help. After just a few sessions, I not only had control over my overwhelming impulse to faint at the sight of a needle, I was actually able to give blood for the first time ever, without passing out. What do you know - this stuff really works! I thought.
And I’m happy to say that I have never fainted since. I can make it through medical TV shows without getting queasy, and be there for my kids when they have to get a shot at the doctor’s office…without worrying that someone will have to pick me up off of the floor in the process. What I gained in that first experience of therapy was a small victory that has had major, life-changing ramifications. It replaced what used to be a huge source of anxiety about an unavoidable part of life with a new level of freedom and confidence enabling me to do things I couldn’t do before (like, well, get medical care).
That early experience also got me oriented to the experience of therapy, so that it was less daunting to go back to therapy in the future when bigger things did come up in my life. And it taught me that even a seemingly small issue can be reason enough to reach out for help.
Therapy is for Everyone
You do NOT need to be in crisis to go to therapy. Therapy is not an experience reserved for the few and the desperate. Mental health diagnosis or not, ALL of us need support at times, and therapy can be a fantastic way to get it—before getting to the place where we’re a mess and things are falling apart. In fact, starting “too soon” is far better than starting too late.
Whether it’s coping with stress, dealing with the ongoing collective trauma of the pandemic or political events, getting help for a relationship issue, or trying to overcome generational patterns of dysfunction, I can’t think of a single person who doesn’t have something to gain from being in regular therapy. But I suspect many people don’t believe they have a good enough reason to pursue it. They think their pain certainly isn’t as bad as someone else’s, or they’ve been taught to focus on the positive and not dwell on the painful. But deep down, they long for an experience of feeling truly seen and heard, of being able to talk about the hard stuff in a place where they can be understood and find some relief.
Don’t Wait for a Crisis
Keeping yourself functional is not selfish.
You do not need to be in crisis to reach out for support. It’s enough just to want to be healthy and whole.
When is Therapy Helpful?
While I truly believe that almost anyone would benefit from therapy at some point, people typically start therapy for one (or more) of the following reasons:
1. Distressing Symptoms
2. Impairment in Daily Functioning
3. Crisis
4. Prevention and Personal Growth
Although therapy can look a little different depending on what your needs and goals are, ALL of these reasons for seeking therapy are valid.
Distressing Symptoms
All of us will deal with stress, sadness, and anxiety in our day-to-day lives. But when the distress is persistent enough that irritating or worrisome symptoms begin to develop or worsen, people often begin to seek help. These symptoms might be physical problems like trouble sleeping, stress headaches, or muscle tension; relational problems like communication difficulties, emotional disconnection, or sexual dissatisfaction; or emotional problems like increased depression or anxiety.
Impairment in Daily Functioning
A second common time for people to seek therapy is when a problem begins to disrupt the rhythms of their daily life. For example, a person’s anxiety might be making it difficult for them to get to work on time, or the stress of a strained marriage is leading to physical health problems that can no longer be ignored. For some, the impairment in functioning could be related to emotions that are too intense (e.g., depression so bad that you can’t get out of bed some days); for others, it’s that emotions are conspicuously absent (e.g., the absence of feeling after a trauma that makes it difficult to feel like yourself, connect with your own needs, or connect genuinely with others).
Crisis
Some people wait until things have reached a crisis level to reach out for therapy – perhaps they’re on the brink of a breakup or a divorce, they’re at risk of losing their job, or they’ve begun having crippling panic attacks. Waiting till a crisis strikes can make the problem more difficult to solve, and by then the issue may require a higher level of care (e.g., inpatient therapy for substance abuse recovery; a referral to a divorce mediator instead of a marriage counselor, etc.). On the other hand, sometimes a good crisis is what people need to finally come to terms with the fact that something needs to change, and to give themselves permission to get help.
Prevention and Personal Growth
There are plenty of good reasons to pre-emptively seek therapy for personal growth, such as learning to deal with emotions in a healthy way, learning why you operate and react to things the way you do, preparing for or adjusting to a major life transition, working to undo generational patterns of family dysfunction when you’re entering a long-term relationship or become a parent, learning to set better boundaries to prevent job burnout, avoiding the repeat of a toxic relationship pattern, or gaining greater self-insight in order to be a more effective leader. For those who have a direct influence on the shaping of others’ lives, including (but certainly not limited to) bosses, parents, pastors, and therapists, engaging in one’s own ongoing therapy can be a critical part of caring well for the people you serve, without wounding them in the ignorance of your own personal blind spots.
How Does a Friend Differ From a Therapist?
Friends, family, significant others, and those in our social circle can do a great job of supporting us through immediate and short-term problems. But, the reality is we often need more focused and consistent support than they can provide amidst their own struggles and busy lives. I’ve heard many clients say things like, “My friends are sick of hearing about this, and this is the only place where I can talk through it with someone,” or “People were supportive early in my grieving process, but it seems like they’ve all moved on now. I need a place to process my ongoing grief without someone getting uncomfortable and changing the subject.”
Friends may also offer unhelpful remedies like unwanted advice-giving, talking about their own worst experiences instead of making space for yours, or projecting their own values and opinions onto you instead of considering what is truly best for your situation. All of those responses are very natural human impulses, but when you’re in deep pain, careless words or advice can really sting, and leave you feeling like you can’t safely share your real self with others. So you stuff it back inside and keep marching.
In friendship, there is also the unspoken (and necessary) social expectation that both parties should be allowed to share more-or-less equally about their lives. If your friend asks you about your day, generally you’re expected to return the favor by asking about theirs. While this reciprocity is important, there are situations in which we genuinely need to take up more space and time than we are able to give back, or are struggling with something that requires a more in-depth focus in conversation. There is certainly allowance for this in a healthy friendship, but if our friends or family are routinely tasked with the job of helping us process a particularly heavy and distressing situation, over time it can burden and exhaust the relationship by altering those important dynamics of mutuality and reciprocity. This leaves our loved ones feeling like they don’t receive enough of the support they need from us, and can create distance in the relationship.
Why Friends sometimes aren’t enough
“If our friends or family are routinely tasked with the job of helping us process a particularly heavy and distressing situation, over time it can burden and exhaust the relationship by altering those important dynamics of mutuality and reciprocity.”
Therapy is a dedicated space where you can struggle for as long as you need to, and get to the root of why you experience things the way you do, rather than just being told to stop feeling or acting that way. You don’t have to politely share airtime with anybody else. You can be a mess and not put a happy face on it for someone else’s benefit. The time exists for you.
A therapist is trained to sit with heavy things and let you take your time, unlike a family member who gives quick advice to soothe their own discomfort. A therapist is distant enough from your situation to be more objective, without making assumptions based on any prior knowledge of your circumstances. This allows you to explain your story from the beginning, and is a great way to get more clarity on the situation for yourself, and verbally process parts of your experience you may not otherwise get to with people who already know part of the story. A therapist’s job is to be attentively connected to what you’re going through, keep the conversation centered around your needs rather than theirs, help you understand the patterns that gave rise to your current situation, identify the obstacles getting in your way, and help you find healthier ways of coping –and even thriving—in the future. And good therapy will also help keep you more richly connected to the other people in your life, strengthening your most worthwhile relationships by fostering a healthier version of you – one who can show up fully, willingly, and genuinely with the people in your day-to-day life.
How Do I Find a Therapist?
The process of finding a therapist can feel a bit daunting, but it doesn’t have to be. I’ve put together a list of super helpful tips and resources for finding a therapist anywhere in the U.S. who fits your budget range, location, and other must-have search criteria. Click here to check out my recent blog post on “How To Find a Good Therapist” to get started.
If you’ve been wondering whether therapy is right for you, I encourage you to start your search today, with the confidence that you matter enough - and so do the people in your life - for you to be the healthiest, most flourishing version of yourself possible.
Important disclaimer: Although I am a licensed marriage and family therapist by profession, I am not YOUR therapist. The content on this site is for informational or educational purposes only. Although I strive to provide accurate general information, the information presented here is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment, and does not constitute medical or other professional advice. Your use of this website does not establish any kind of patient-client relationship with me, and you should consult a healthcare provider in your area if you are seeking medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Reliance on any information provided herein is solely at your own risk.